Baahahahahahaaa!
TLC, you shit the bed tonight, my friends! I have waited ALL WEEK to watch Insane over Pippa, or whatever it was called and I even bribed my Ma's boyfriend to hog tie her if she threatened to not change the channel to 521...all to watch a sad, uniformative and monumentally dull story about Pippa Middleton's arse and her offers from American Porn King, Hirsh. BOR-ING!!
Pippa TLC Highlights:
Cousin Paul the Zumba master TOTALLY marketing Zumba and it's ability to give you an ass like Pippa. I think HE wishes he had a butt like that.
Cousin Wassername Darling from what I guess is Liverpool and her accent. "If unywun wanted ta beh meh, wull, I fink dat is jus MENTAWL".
Classsssssay.
Like those two won't take their TLC money and run to the nearest plastic surgeon to get a Pippa arse!!!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Funtimes with The Golden Girls
Well! She's been a busy one today, kiddies! And, it's not even suppertime yet! Woohoo! I woke up from the most glorious sleep of my life at the ungodly hour of 11:30 to my mother cooking raisin pudding. I immediately hopped on the scale and saw that I had dropped one pound, so to me that is the green light for having raisin pudding for breakfast...er...lunch. Mom is a way better baker than she is cook. She calls the kitchen "The Greasy Spoon". So do I. Because it's true. Nothing to find a cup of cold bacon fat in the fridge, just itching to be used in some culinary concoction.
After brunch/dessert, we decided to go downriver to see my childhood au pere, aka nanny, aka the house keeper who looked after me from the age of two (Mom is doing the math as we speak. Confirmation: I was two). She now lives in a lovely home designed for people who can't live on their own and she doesn't get out much. So I PROMISED I would go see her because I didn't get the chance to at Christmas (sick at Christmas, coniferous tree allergy) and I KNOW that's a completely lame excuse but that's what happened. Sadly. But I digress.
So away we went to see the woman who instilled the love of properly mashed potatoes with milk and butter and salt and pepper into me. Also known as The Fabulous Mrs. U. Hoorah!
My goodness! That woman! She's not aged a bit! She lives in this home because she has a bad heart and can't be left on her own, but other than that, she's EXACTLY the same way she was when I was 3! Not a wrinkle on on her gorgeous face and she's in her eighties! I remember from a very early age that she used Oil of Olay and she still does! (Mental note ladies: run to the nearest pharmacy and buy classic Olay!). And she used to smoke! Still, such a marvelous complexion. Amazing! Years of Rothman's and Oil of Olay seem to have settled in well.
Of course the conversation immediately turns to me and my lack of matrimonial commitment, followed by uproarious laughter when I responded that I have been turning down so many marriage offers, I have lost count. Fab Mrs. U and Mom then start talking about all the local gossip as there is much to be had. I love listening to their expressions. Fab Mrs. U nearly died laughing when she had indeed heard that That Fella was dating and said that she heard "he was courting a breeze, that lad!" Then Mom chimes in and says, "no matter what the size of the cavalry, it's the force it marches forward that matters and he went in with a vengeance!"
BAHAHAHA!!!! Christ almighty, but those two slay me!!
So then as we were leaving after a marvellous visit, I tell The Fab Mrs. U that I have to watch out for her because SHE will be married when I come home next summer. She died laughing and said she might and that she won't hold her breath for me. Then, sly as she is, Ma leans in and says, "make sure you are taking your pill, Mrs U. Can't get pregnant!"
It's funny because a) they are both over 75 and b) I'm finally grown up to be let in on the grown-up jokes. Yay me!
So, I get home and Ma (Ma? I like that. From now on, she is not Mom but Ma. I watch too many Golden Girls reruns) decides she's continue the Campaign to Make Me Fat by making a banana bread. She says to me that she's going up to see if they have any "old bananas". I called her a tramp and threatened to tell her boyfriend, but then I realized she meant she was *actually* looking for bananas for the bread and not boyfriends at the local Coop. When she asked me if I needed anything I told her to buy me real butter because I might make my signature cookies and she said no! Blast that woman. I threatened to call Child Protective Services because of the abuse I get here as the summer hired help, but all was well when she brought me back the butter.
Lucky for her.
Then, she gets to asking me about the bread on the cupboard.
"You want this bread??!!"
"Na, biff it. It's 2 weeks old and can be used as a weapon it's so hard"
"How bout that half eaten apple?"
"It's yours"
"God, you waste a lot of food!" she has the face to say.
Have I ever told you about the time (last week) I ate chips I found in the cupboard (at the back) and I discovered (too late) they were from last summer?
"Oh yeah Ma. How bout that stew in the fridge? You gonna eat that?"
"No."
"How bout them three week old biscuits?"
"Ah, leave them. I'll unleash them on Lew (her boy-toy)"
See what I live with in the summer?
Anyways, that's pretty much it in the perils of living at home rent-free for the summer...which is soon drawing to a close because I have to go back East to the daily grind. So the Hired Help will be soon packing up for the summer...but "Ma" will squeeze every last bit of work out of me because I just said I have to clean the spare room for a guest coming and as she breezed by she says, "yes and you have to vacuum this living room too."
Bitch.
After brunch/dessert, we decided to go downriver to see my childhood au pere, aka nanny, aka the house keeper who looked after me from the age of two (Mom is doing the math as we speak. Confirmation: I was two). She now lives in a lovely home designed for people who can't live on their own and she doesn't get out much. So I PROMISED I would go see her because I didn't get the chance to at Christmas (sick at Christmas, coniferous tree allergy) and I KNOW that's a completely lame excuse but that's what happened. Sadly. But I digress.
So away we went to see the woman who instilled the love of properly mashed potatoes with milk and butter and salt and pepper into me. Also known as The Fabulous Mrs. U. Hoorah!
My goodness! That woman! She's not aged a bit! She lives in this home because she has a bad heart and can't be left on her own, but other than that, she's EXACTLY the same way she was when I was 3! Not a wrinkle on on her gorgeous face and she's in her eighties! I remember from a very early age that she used Oil of Olay and she still does! (Mental note ladies: run to the nearest pharmacy and buy classic Olay!). And she used to smoke! Still, such a marvelous complexion. Amazing! Years of Rothman's and Oil of Olay seem to have settled in well.
Of course the conversation immediately turns to me and my lack of matrimonial commitment, followed by uproarious laughter when I responded that I have been turning down so many marriage offers, I have lost count. Fab Mrs. U and Mom then start talking about all the local gossip as there is much to be had. I love listening to their expressions. Fab Mrs. U nearly died laughing when she had indeed heard that That Fella was dating and said that she heard "he was courting a breeze, that lad!" Then Mom chimes in and says, "no matter what the size of the cavalry, it's the force it marches forward that matters and he went in with a vengeance!"
BAHAHAHA!!!! Christ almighty, but those two slay me!!
So then as we were leaving after a marvellous visit, I tell The Fab Mrs. U that I have to watch out for her because SHE will be married when I come home next summer. She died laughing and said she might and that she won't hold her breath for me. Then, sly as she is, Ma leans in and says, "make sure you are taking your pill, Mrs U. Can't get pregnant!"
It's funny because a) they are both over 75 and b) I'm finally grown up to be let in on the grown-up jokes. Yay me!
So, I get home and Ma (Ma? I like that. From now on, she is not Mom but Ma. I watch too many Golden Girls reruns) decides she's continue the Campaign to Make Me Fat by making a banana bread. She says to me that she's going up to see if they have any "old bananas". I called her a tramp and threatened to tell her boyfriend, but then I realized she meant she was *actually* looking for bananas for the bread and not boyfriends at the local Coop. When she asked me if I needed anything I told her to buy me real butter because I might make my signature cookies and she said no! Blast that woman. I threatened to call Child Protective Services because of the abuse I get here as the summer hired help, but all was well when she brought me back the butter.
Lucky for her.
Then, she gets to asking me about the bread on the cupboard.
"You want this bread??!!"
"Na, biff it. It's 2 weeks old and can be used as a weapon it's so hard"
"How bout that half eaten apple?"
"It's yours"
"God, you waste a lot of food!" she has the face to say.
Have I ever told you about the time (last week) I ate chips I found in the cupboard (at the back) and I discovered (too late) they were from last summer?
"Oh yeah Ma. How bout that stew in the fridge? You gonna eat that?"
"No."
"How bout them three week old biscuits?"
"Ah, leave them. I'll unleash them on Lew (her boy-toy)"
See what I live with in the summer?
Anyways, that's pretty much it in the perils of living at home rent-free for the summer...which is soon drawing to a close because I have to go back East to the daily grind. So the Hired Help will be soon packing up for the summer...but "Ma" will squeeze every last bit of work out of me because I just said I have to clean the spare room for a guest coming and as she breezed by she says, "yes and you have to vacuum this living room too."
Bitch.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Really Though?
I think I have hit rock-bottom.
Tonight I had a conversation with a friend's in-law who happens to be "30-something" (note, 40-something in actuality) and unmarried.
I too am unmarried. So, when another unmarried person (female person at that) is in the 500 mile radius, it seems said spinster is lumped into the same boat as me because that's what life is like in small towns This happens regardless of the other person's age or creed or...brains. All singles are lumped together. Anyways, the single gal's commiseration ensues.
It must be noted that this lady is no ordinary person. She's been single her whole life and was looked after by her father until he died and, well...anyways I suppose I should not be such a heartless bitch. But, when someone starts off the conversation with "Never got married, eh?"you kinda know it's both going to be a hellish conversation and that you want to gauge that person's eyes out with a wooden spoon.
So, I'm trying to tolerate the conversation as long as possible but it's difficult because she jumps from talking about her bad back (she's 40, not 80) to the gawd awful heat (it's been cold and rainy here...quite like England) to her obese cat who suffers from diabetes and requires two needles a day. Really? A catch like you can't nab a man? The world just ain't right.
I've been here too long. I need to leave.
Tonight I had a conversation with a friend's in-law who happens to be "30-something" (note, 40-something in actuality) and unmarried.
I too am unmarried. So, when another unmarried person (female person at that) is in the 500 mile radius, it seems said spinster is lumped into the same boat as me because that's what life is like in small towns This happens regardless of the other person's age or creed or...brains. All singles are lumped together. Anyways, the single gal's commiseration ensues.
It must be noted that this lady is no ordinary person. She's been single her whole life and was looked after by her father until he died and, well...anyways I suppose I should not be such a heartless bitch. But, when someone starts off the conversation with "Never got married, eh?"you kinda know it's both going to be a hellish conversation and that you want to gauge that person's eyes out with a wooden spoon.
So, I'm trying to tolerate the conversation as long as possible but it's difficult because she jumps from talking about her bad back (she's 40, not 80) to the gawd awful heat (it's been cold and rainy here...quite like England) to her obese cat who suffers from diabetes and requires two needles a day. Really? A catch like you can't nab a man? The world just ain't right.
And then, she refers to, "us single girls, eh?"
Holy old Christ. Really? I mean I know I am single and it's an enigma to those from my lovely small town because they are convinced I am either secretly sleeping with every married man in the village or that I am a really slutty acting, seemingly straight lesbian, but am I really the same calibre as the woman with the diabetic cat who speaks incessantly about men and dating and husbands and children and all the gore that goes with it??
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Anne Hathaway as Emma Morley? Bitch, please!
So if anyone has had the pleasure of reading One Day by David Nicholls, then you will know exactly what I am talking about. Anne Hathaway may be many-a-thang, but Emma Morley she is not. As soon as Emma is introduced in the book, it's easy to see that she is an awkward, sorta frumpy women's rights type with bad hair and worse fashion sense. True that AH ticks two out of those three boxes but Emma's character right off the bat is warm and charming and, at least I, kind of identified with her or at the very least empathized with her. AH does not portray warm or charming. Sorry Annie, darling, but it's true.
When I posted my disgust on Facebook, everyone was like, "OMG! I know! She *so* is not Emma!!" and "I can't picture it at ALL!" Well this makes me wonder who the hell could play Emma in this movie, then? Is it Janeane Garofolo? Why is she the answer to every character like Emma? Because I'm old and have no idea who else could play that role and I want to say names like Blake Lively (too sexy) or Leighton Meester (she's Blair Waldorf, and no body else) or Tina Fey (anyone else sensing a pattern here? Like, how I only watch Gossip Girl and 30 Rock?) Maybe.
Who is the real Emma Morley?!
When I posted my disgust on Facebook, everyone was like, "OMG! I know! She *so* is not Emma!!" and "I can't picture it at ALL!" Well this makes me wonder who the hell could play Emma in this movie, then? Is it Janeane Garofolo? Why is she the answer to every character like Emma? Because I'm old and have no idea who else could play that role and I want to say names like Blake Lively (too sexy) or Leighton Meester (she's Blair Waldorf, and no body else) or Tina Fey (anyone else sensing a pattern here? Like, how I only watch Gossip Girl and 30 Rock?) Maybe.
Who is the real Emma Morley?!
Devil May Care? He Just May!
There is not much to say in this post except for "Hey! I'm fantabulous! Who the hell are you??" Welcome to The Lei Ho Tattler.
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